Bringing Joy into the world

I had been waiting for five days for my labour to begin in earnest, after my waters flowing. Each part of this story I will tell separately, so that six day journey will be detailed here in due course!

Around 2.30 am I started feeling light surges, as I had for the last six days, and didn’t dare to get excited as these had crushingly faded daily throughout the week, so I didn’t wake Osanne or dare to think Joy might actually be arriving. By about 4.30 am I was making enough noise that no-one was going to be sleeping next to me while I sat on the side of the bed singing and groaning through the surges. I started dancing between the bed and the bathroom, resting in between contractions and mostly sitting on the loo with my feet on a stool through the strongest sensations. Resting in between I was lying on my bed and can remember sensing my crown opening wide and a pillar of bright bright light pouring in through the top of my head, the most tangible experience of light coming into my energy body that I have ever received. The gate opened between me and somewhere, something other, bigger, incomprehensible and beautiful.

Around 6.30 I could tell Joy must have got her head through the inlet of my pelvis and started moving through the mid-pelvis; I had a couple of surges where lying on my side resting had gone on longer than before and the contractions were then frightening - making me dizzy and scared with hot flushes up my neck. This ended up being the only time I really asked our doula’s advice during labour; she smiled and said “well, maybe stop lying down now!”. I did - this was when I started asking Osanne to sit next to me and perform the function of a vertical bed so I could still rest deeply in between contractions. He tried stroking my back which I usually love, but this was sensory overload and all I wanted was a warm hand pressed firmly on my sacrum. I love him so much for getting a hot water bottle for his hands and holding strong and firm whenever I asked him to.

I was so glad I had heard and read to relax my lips and mouth, to sing and make noises like a horse with floppy lips, I was doing this and “lalalalalalala” with my tongue and lips all the time, and the connection with the pelvic floor is REAL!! I was singing love songs to Joy through all the pangs.

Maybe about 8.30 my body needed to move differently again, I found myself moving between all fours and rocking on my inflatable ball as my womb contracted more and more regularly. This was the most intense part of labour for me - a couple of hours that felt relentless and where I didn’t have the capacity to really own the process - I had to surrender and let my body be taken where it was going next. Towards the end of this I was continually asking whether the pool was ready and could tell that Kim (my doula) and Osanne were running into some kind of issue with the hose - I chuckle so much in hindsight at how I was avoiding their eyes and just focusing on what I needed to do, shutting out any distraction. It’s the only moment in my life I haven’t wanted or been able to multitask! Around this time was the funniest moment of labour for me, with Kim saying from the hallway “you’ve got this Mama” and me shouting back “DON’T CALL ME MAMA” before having the strongest contraction of the entire labour. If you had told me early in pregnancy that I would be freebirthing and ordering Kim to go downstairs and leave me to it I would have been pretty surprised. You can come a long way in nine months!

Finally, maybe around 11/11.30 am, the birth pool was READY. I feel like this just needs some space.

To hint…

Towards….

The bliss.

That cannot be put into words.

I am not sure I will experience any pleasure so great as the soothing warmth of the waters. The circular, generous accommodation of the pool. I didn’t really believe our NCT practitioner when she said the pool works as a pain relief method - but WOW does it!! I had a few contractions after getting in the pool but think I probably entered transition fairly swiftly, as I felt mostly as though I was passing out of this realm into another, with my breath pausing, before being the thing that brought me back to the pool from my reverie. During one surge I found myself looking wide-eyed at Osanne and wondered if he could see what I could feel but didn’t dare to believe was where we were already - dilated pupils in the adrenaline rush of transition - and about to start pushing.

The next few contractions I found myself panting and questioning myself whether I should be doing so, then laughing internally and reminding myself to trust my body - throughout labour it made me smile how clearly I could tell my mind was telling me stories about what was happening, bubbles of fear rising to the surface before bursting, versus my body just knowing and doing…

Then I had a feeling that our child’s head was stretching the cervix wide and entering the birth canal. A gasp into the universe that words can only fall short of describing.

As my waters had released early, I had been scrupulous not to do anything that might risk infection, but a contraction or two later I couldn’t resist touching inside my opening to see if I could actually be right and their head was close… and the feeling of soft, firm, slippery life about to come out of my body is something I will never forget. I am so grateful to Amy Rogerson for speaking about this unforgettable moment, and so glad I was the first person to meet our child in this way. Even some of the most beautiful births I’d seen footage of had blue gloved hands not belonging to Mum or Dad and it mattered so much to me that one of us greet our baby. I also had a wide-eyed EEK realising how much more head there was than space for it to emerge!

However, one more surge and emerge it did!!! This vulnerable, tender head coming from one world to another. A few more breaths and the body sliding out and bringing our baby through water to take a first breath. Resting. Gazing. Lavender blue pulsing beauty. Osanne terrified at the lack of movement. Me sucking nose and mouth. First cries and gurgling liquid-to-air breaths. Looking to see… a GIRL… The wonder and surprise on Osanne’s face as he’d been convinced the surprise was spoiled for him when he saw something on a scan. The absolute wonder as our child was born, and we were born as a family.

We were burning a candle for Joy from my waters releasing and at her birth when we watched back our film we saw it blazing and flickering at the time she came into the world. I’m not sure how to describe my relationship with spirit, but this for me was such an affirmation of something ephemeral being present in our prayers, in the light we choose to burn to support them. Birthing freely through my body deepened my faith in life and love and the greater holding of us all by our mother Earth. I have never felt so fully in my power or so completely that every cell of my being was doing what it was born to do.